A Chef’s Guide to the Cosmos: Recipe for Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster Soup
Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster Soup
From the Kitchen of the Starship Heart of Gold
A comforting, soupy cousin to the infamous cocktail, this dish is the perfect meal for the beginning, middle, or end of a long journey through the void. It possesses the unique quality of tasting exactly like what you wish you were eating, while simultaneously reminding you of a childhood memory you never actually had. Its preparation is considered a rite of passage for any aspiring cosmic chef.
- Yields: Enough to satisfy one infinite improbability drive.
- Prep Time: 5 nanoseconds (subjective).
- Cook Time: Until the heat death of the universe, or Thursday. Whichever comes first.
Ingredients
- 1 Liter of primordial soup (freshly sourced, do not use canned).
- 3 cups of chopped vegetables from the gardens of Persephone V (celery, carrots, and onions are a classic base, but feel free to substitute with weeping mandrakes for a more piquant flavor).
- 1 Fallian marsh gas bubble (for buoyancy and that signature fizz).
- 2 tablespoons of Santraginean seawater (provides a briny, existential tang).
- A pinch of ground-up light from a distant, forgotten star (adds a gentle, nostalgic warmth).
- 42 perfect, shimmering pearls of pure thought, harvested from a philosopher’s dream.
- 1 Algolian suntiger tooth, finely grated (for a touch of impossible heat).
- The concept of a lemon, squeezed (do not use an actual lemon, as the physical citrus oil is far too overpowering).
- Salt and pepper from the parallel dimension next door (the one where everything is the same, but slightly to the left).
- A sprig of time, preferably fresh thyme, to garnish.
Required Equipment
- One (1) large, non-euclidean cooking pot (a tesseract-bottomed cauldron works best).
- A laser-spatula.
- A taste-the-future spoon (for checking seasoning before you’ve added it).
- One (1) perfectly ordinary towel.
Instructions
- Prepare Your Workspace: Before you begin, drape your perfectly ordinary towel over your shoulders. This is the most crucial step. It instills a sense of calm and preparedness in the face of the culinary chaos to come.
- Form the Base: Decant the primordial soup into your non-euclidean pot over a low-intensity singularity. The soup should begin to roil with the birth of a thousand tiny, fleeting lifeforms. This is a sign of freshness. Do not be alarmed if you see the entire history of a civilization play out and collapse in a bubble on the surface.
- Introduce the Aromatics: Add your chopped vegetables. Sauté them with the laser-spatula until they become translucent and begin to question their own existence. This should take approximately the time it takes to have a brief but meaningful philosophical argument with the celery.
- Add the Sea and Stars: Gently pour in the Santraginean seawater and sprinkle in the ground-up starlight. The soup should now have the color of a twilight sky on a planet with two suns.
- Incorporate the Impossible: This next step is delicate. Using your taste-the-future spoon, check if the soup will need the Algolian suntiger tooth. If it does, add it now. If it doesn’t, add it anyway. The future is fickle. Now, gently drop in the pearls of pure thought one by one. They should dissolve into shimmering pools of insight.
- The Fizz and Squeeze: Carefully submerge the Fallian marsh gas bubble. The soup will foam violently before settling into a pleasant, bubbling simmer. Now, take the concept of a lemon, hold it over the pot, and squeeze firmly with your mind. You should perceive a faint, citrusy notion wafting from the pot.
- Final Seasoning: Season with the parallel-dimension salt and pepper to taste. Be warned: this salt is slightly saltier than our own, and the pepper has a tendency to make you temporarily perceive time as a flat circle.
- Serve: Ladle the soup into bowls. Garnish with a sprig of fresh time to help your guests re-orient themselves in the proper temporal flow. Serve immediately and advise diners not to operate heavy machinery or attempt to understand the plot of a Christopher Nolan film for at least an hour.