The Okay Bible

Contact me

(Though I’d Rather You Didn’t)

Before You Even Think About Contacting Me

Please be advised that all communication attempts will be thoroughly vetted through my proprietary 17-step verification process. Each step has sub-steps. There are many sub-steps.

Electronic Mail Protocol

IMPORTANT: All emails must follow this precise format:

  1. Subject line must begin with [BLOG-CONTACT-ATTEMPT-2024]
  2. Must include your mother’s maiden name, your first pet’s middle name, and your shoe size in European measurements
  3. All text must be in Wingdings font (if your email client doesn’t support Wingdings, please do not bother writing)
  4. Each paragraph must be exactly 42 words long
  5. Must be sent only during full moons, between 3:27 AM and 3:42 AM (Timbuktu Standard Time)

Email: pleasedont@seriously.leave.me.alone.com

Telephone Communications

Office Hours: Every third Thursday of months ending in ‘y’, excluding months during solar eclipses, between 12:47 PM and 12:49 PM

Phone: +223 7124 9856
(Note: This line is only monitored by my pet iguana, Gerald, who has yet to master human speech)

Physical Correspondence

If you insist on sending physical mail (though I question your life choices), please direct it to:

Cranky Blogger's Repository
742 Go Away Street
Third Baobab Tree Past the Market
Timbuktu, Mali 
BX42-QR7-🌵

All mail must be written in purple ink on paper made from sustainably sourced bamboo harvested during a leap year.

Carrier Pigeon Services

I do not accept carrier pigeons. The last one gossiped about me to the neighborhood birds. Trust issues ensued.

Smoke Signal Communications

Temporarily suspended due to environmental concerns and the fact that my neighbors kept misinterpreting them as BBQ invitations.

Social Media

  • Twitter: @DoNotTagMe
  • Instagram: @SeriouslyDontTagMe
  • Facebook: Nice try, Mark
  • LinkedIn: Let’s not pretend we’re going to “connect”
  • TikTok: Get off my lawn

FAQ (Frequently Avoided Questions)

Q: Is this the best way to contact you?
A: No. The best way to contact me is to not contact me at all.

Q: What’s the fastest way to get a response?
A: Time travel to 1983 and leave a note under a specific rock in my grandmother’s garden. I’ll get back to you in 41 years.

Q: Do you accept urgent messages?
A: Define urgent. Is the world ending? Are aliens landing? Did someone actually read my blog? Only the last one counts as urgent.

Response Time Agreement

Please note that all messages will be responded to within 3-5 business years. This timeline may be extended if Mercury is in retrograde or if my cat disapproves of your message’s tone.

Required Documentation

All contact attempts must be accompanied by:

  • A 500-word essay on why you absolutely must contact me
  • Notarized proof that you’ve read my entire blog archive
  • A detailed diagram of your favorite cheese
  • Three references from people who advised you not to contact me
  • A small donation to the “Leave Me Alone” fund

Final Notes

If you’ve read this far, I admire your persistence but question your time management skills. Perhaps consider taking up a hobby? I hear stamp collecting is delightfully solitary.

This contact page was last updated when I felt like it and will be updated again when I feel like it, which may be never.