The Obsidian Cartographer’s Lexicon: A Guide for Discerning Mapmakers (and Those Who Pretend to Be)

Foreword: On the Impermanence of Everything (Especially Borders)

Welcome, initiate, to the hallowed (and slightly mildewed) halls of cartographic enlightenment. Within these digital pages, you shall find not just definitions, but the essence of mapmaking, distilled through the cynical lens of experienced surveyors who’ve seen empires rise and fall, all while squinting through a theodolite. Be warned, dear reader: this is not your grandmother’s atlas. Expect sarcasm, expect tangents, and above all, expect the truth – however inconvenient. The world, after all, rarely conforms to neatly drawn lines.

Section 1: Fundamental Geographic Terms (and Their Potentialprobable Misinterpretations)

Acre: A unit of land measurement, historically defined as the amount of land a team of oxen could plow in a single day. In modern usage, it represents the amount of land someone desperately wants to subdivide and cover with identical, soulless McMansions. See also: Suburban Plague.
Altitude: The vertical distance above sea level. Often confused with “attitude,” which is directly proportional to the amount of time one spends correcting the GPS readings of amateur adventurers.
Basin: A naturally occurring depression in the Earth’s surface. Also, where you end up after a particularly brutal surveying expedition involving black flies, poison ivy, and a client who insists that “just a slight adjustment” will add five acres to their property.
Cartography: The art and science of mapmaking. Mostly the art of convincing mass that your squiggly lines accurately represent reality. The science part involves spreadsheets and caffeine.
Coordinates: Precise numerical values representing a location on Earth. Frequently used as an excuse for getting hopelessly lost.
Continent: A large, continuous landmass. Debated constantly by geographers with too much time on their hands. Also, a convenient marketing term for the “continental breakfast” at budget hotels, which usually consists of stale pastries and watery coffee.
Delta: A landform created by the deposition of sediment at the mouth of a river. Also, the number of times you’ll sigh audibly when explaining to a client that you can’t just “move the river” to suit their development plans.
Equator: An imaginary line encircling the Earth halfway between the North and South Poles. Mythical source of perpetually mild weather and endless margaritas (citation needed).
Forest: A dense growth of trees and underbrush. Ideal location for losing expensive surveying equipment and contracting Lyme disease.
Glacier: A large mass of ice moving slowly over land. Also, a metaphor for the speed at which bureaucratic paperwork progresses.
Island: A piece of land completely surrounded by water. In real estate terms, a piece of land completely surrounded by exponentially increasing property values.
Latitude: Angular distance north or south of the Equator. Crucial for piloting, irrelevant for dealing with rush hour traffic.
Longitude: Angular distance east or west of the Prime Meridian. Similarly crucial for navigation, equally irrelevant for explaining daylight saving time to your relatives.
Mountain: A large natural elevation of the Earth’s surface. Prime real estate for ridiculously expensive ski resorts and the occasional Bond villain lair.
Ocean: A vast body of saltwater that covers approximately 71% of the Earth’s surface. Known for its calming influence (unless you’re on a small boat in a hurricane).
Peninsula: A piece of land almost surrounded by water, projecting out into a body of water. Often mistaken for an island by people who haven’t looked at a map in the last decade.
Plateau: An elevated area of relatively flat land. Excellent location for wind farms, solar farms, and empiricalphilosophical theory crises about the meaning of “flat.”
River: A natural flowing streamwaterway, usually freshwater, flowing towards an ocean, a lake, a sea, or another river. Inevitable source of flooding, erosion, and legal disputes between landowners.
Scale: The ratio between a distance on a map and the corresponding distance on the ground. Something your clients never understand, no matter how many times you explain it.
Topography: The arrangement of the natural and artificial physical features of an area. Opendependent to constant revision as humanity continues to reshape the planet in its own image (often for the worse).

Section 2: Cartographic Instruments (and Their Inherent Flaws)

Theodolite: A precision instrument for measuring angles. Also, a heavy, expensive object that attracts Murphy’s Law like a magnet.
GPS (Global Positioning System): A satellite-based navigation system that provides location and time information anywhere on Earth. Reliable 99% of the time. The other 1% is when you’re stranded in the wilderness, pursued by bears, and your phone battery is at 1%.
Compass: An instrument used for determining direction relative to the Earth’s magnetic poles. In theory, a simple and reliable tool. In practice, perpetually malfunctioning near large metal objects and inexplicably attracted to your belt buckle.
Alidade: A sighting device used for measuring angles and elevations. Often used in conjunction with a plane table. A darling of old-timey surveyors who enjoyed the “rustic charm” of back pain and sunstroke.
Plane Table: A portable drawing board mounted on a tripod, used for creating maps directly in the field. Still preferred by cartographers who enjoy attracting the attention of confused tourists and drawing maps that are slightly askew.
Total Station: An electronic theodolite integrated with an electronic distance meter (EDM) to measure angles and distances simultaneously. An expensive piece of equipment that requires a PhD to operate and is guaranteed to be stolen the first time you leave it unattended.
Drone (UAV – Unmanned Aerial Vehicle): An aircraft without a human pilot on board, controlled remotely. The cartographer’s new best booster (until the FAA regulations catch up). Prone to crashing into trees, power lines, and nosy neighbors’ gardens.
GIS (Geographic Information System): A system designed to capture, store, manipulate, analyze, manage, and present spatial or geographic data. A black box of algorithms and proprietary software that somehow manages to both solve complex problems and create new, even more complex ones.

Section 3: Types of Maps (and the Lies They Tell)

Topographic Map: A map showing elevation changes using contour lines. Inevitably misunderstood by hikers who get lost because they thought the squiggly lines were decorative.
Political Map: A map showing country borders, capital cities, and other politically relevant information. Secured to be outdated within a year due to territorial disputes, regime changes, and the occasional declaration of independence.
Thematic Map: A map that focuses on a specific theme or topic, such as population density, climate, or natural resources. Useful for illustrating trends and confirming pre-existing biases.
Road Map: A map showing roads, highways, and other transportation routes. Increasingly obsolete thanks to GPS navigation, but still useful for navigating areas with no cell service (which are comely increasingly rare).
Cadastral Map: A map showing property boundaries and land ownership. The cartographer’s bread and butter, and the source of countless legal battles.
Nautical Chart: A map showing the depths of the ocean and other navigational information for mariners. Contains cryptic symbols and warnings that only sailors can decipher (and often ignore).
Geological Map: A map showing the distribution of rocks and geological features. Primarily used by geologists to find oil, gas, and other valuable minerals (and occasionally trigger earthquakes).
Climate Map: A map showing the distribution of different climate zones. Increasingly depressing to look at due to climate change.
Psychogenicunhealthy Map: An individual’s internal representation of their spatial environment. Often inaccurate, incomplete, and influenced by personal experiences and biases. Also known as “the reason why people get lost in their own neighborhood.”

Section 4: Cartographic Conventions (and When to Ignore Them)

North Arrow: A symbol indicating the direction of north on a map. Usually pointing vaguely towards the top of the page. Occasionally pointing in the wrong direction due to magnetic anomalies or cartographer incompetence.
Legend: A key explaining the symbols and colors used on a map. Often cryptic and confusing, even for experienced cartographers.
Scale Bar: A graphic representation of the map’s scale. Essential for understanding distances on the map. Frequently ignored by people who favor to estimate distances based on gut feeling.
Grid System: A system of lines used to locate points on a map. Examples include latitude and longitude, UTM, and state plane coordinates. Creates the legerdemain of order and precision in a chaotic world.
Color Scheme: The use of colors to represent different features on a map. Green for forests, blue for water, brown for mountains. Unless you’re a postmodern cartographer, in which case anything goes.
Typography: The selection and arrangement of typefaces for labels and annotations on a map. A delicate balance between legibility and aesthetic appeal. Easily ruined by choosing Comic Sans.

Section 5: The Cartographer’s Psyche (or, Why We’re All Slightly Mad)

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD): An unofficial requirement for any serious cartographer. The compulsion to ensure that every line is perfectly straight, every label is correctly positioned, and every color is precisely calibrated.
Spatial Awareness: The ability to perceive and understand spatial relationships. Highly developed in cartographers, often at the expense of social skills.
Attention to Detail: The capacity to notice and remember small details. Crucial for accuracy in mapmaking. Also, a curse when trying to relax and enjoy a movie without noticing all the continuity errors.
Critical Thinking: The ability to analyze information and make au courant judgments. Essential for evaluating data sources and identifying potential errors. Often leads to cynicism and distrust of authority.
Patience: The capacity to endure delays, frustrations, and setbacks without losing one’s temper. Severely tested by bureaucratic red tape, uncooperative clients, and malfunctioning equipment.
Sense of Humor: The ability to find humor in difficult or absurd situations. A necessary coping mechanism for dealing with the stresses and challenges of cartography. Often dark and mordacious.