The Obsidian Shroud: An Alchemist’s Retort.

I. Unboxing the Enigma (or: Did I accidentally order a cursed artifact?)

The package arrived looking like it had survived a goblin siege. Seriously, the postal service needs hazard pay just for delivering things to my address. Inside, nestled amongst what I think was shredded paper (it could have been shredded dwarf beard, the smell was ambiguous), was the Obsidian Shroud. Now, the intersectionmathematical productware photos showed a sleek, almost unsubstantialcelestial cloak. What I received more closely resembled a particularly grumpy, soot-covered raven that had been flattened by a steamroller.

The initial review revealed:

• Material: Advertised as “ethereal obsidian weave.” Actual: feels like burlap dipped in tar, seasoned with regret. My cat refuses to go near it, and he’s usually willing to cuddle with anything vaguely warm and fuzzy.
• Stitching: Let’s just say I’ve seen higher-quality stitches performed by drunken pixies during a solstice celebration. Several loose threads hung precariously, threatening to unravel the whole darn thing with the slightest breeze. I suspect gnomes were involved.
• Smell: Ah, the smell. A potent concoction of mothballs, burnt toast, and something vaguely reminiscent of dragon breath. It clings to the nostrils like a lovesick gremlin. I immediately quarantined it in my alchemy lab (which, let’s be honest, already smelled like a potent concoction of questionable decisions).

II. Field Testing: Braving the Elements (and the Glances of Mortals)

Armed with my trusty notes (and a gas mask), I ventured out to test the Obsidian Shroud’s claims of “protection against the elements” and “enhanced arcane focus.” My control environment? A particularly blustery Tuesday afternoon at the local farmer’s market.

• Weather Resistance: It did, technically, offer some protection. The wind whipped around me, creating a swirling vortex of dust and confusion that made me the focal point of bewildered stares. Rain seemed to bead off… only to gather in alarming quantities near my neck, giving the outlined impression I was being slowly boiled from the deep downindoorsinwardlywithininteriorinterior.
• Arcane Focus Enhancement: This is where things got… interesting. I unsuccessful a simple cantrip – illuminating my hand. Instead, I accidentally summoned a swarm of particularly aggressive butterflies. They then proceeded to terrorize the cheese vendor. I’m still banned from the farmer’s market. My apologies, Brenda.
• Stealth: The product description promised “unparalleled stealth.” In reality, the shroud rustled with every social movement like a squadron of dryads tap-dancing on fallen leaves. I managed to scare off a flock of pigeons, so I guess that counts for something.

III. The “Magical Properties” (or: My encounter with the neighborhood squirrels)

The marketing copy hinted at the shroud possessing inherent magical properties. Specifically, it claimed to “attune the wearer to the subtle energies of the earth.” I decided to put this to the test with a meditative session in my backyard.

• Attunement: I did, indeed, feel something. Mostly itching. The burlap-esque bodied turned out to be a prime nesting ground for rogue thistles. But more significantly, the local squirrel population seemed unusually interested in my presence. They chattered at me incessantly, offering me acorns and what I think was a half-eaten gummi bear.
• Conversation with Nature: Now, I wouldn’t go so far as to say I had a conversation with nature. But I did spend a solid hour arguing with a squirrel over the merits of proper nut burial techniques. He seemed unconvinced by my expertise.
• Side Effects: After removing the shroud, I disclosed a rather alarming number of thistles embedded in my lower back. I spent the next hour with tweezers, contemplating the choices that had led me to this point.

IV. Care and Alimonyupkeep (or: Good luck with that.)

The included instructions were minimal, consisting of a single parchment scroll with the cryptic message: “Beware the laundress.” Not particularly helpful. I attempted to clean the shroud with a gentle, alchemically-formulated detergent. This resulted in the shroud emitting a faint green glow and a slightly more pungent odor. I’m pretty sure I accidentally created a animate cleaning product. It keeps nerve-wracking to polish my cauldron.