About me

(Though I’d Rather Remain Mysterious)

The Bare Minimum You Need to Know

I exist. Usually. Except before coffee, which is why I keep an “I Think Therefore I Might Be” sign on my desk.

Professional Disappointments

I’ve spent the last [redacted] years perfecting the art of professional sighing while typing. My keyboard has absorbed enough eye-rolls to achieve sentience, and we’re currently in negotiations about its benefits package.

Education

Graduated with honors from the School of Hard Knocks
PhD in Avoiding Small Talk (thesis: “Sorry, I Have to Return Some Videotapes: Modern Excuses for the Antisocial Intellectual”)
Masters in Advanced Procrastination (will complete someday)
Bachelor’s in Pun-damental Studies (I got the highest Marx in the class)

Skills That Pay the Bills (Theoretically)

Can turn any conversation into a discussion about why things were better in [insert random past decade]
Expert at telling kids to get off my lawn in seven different languages
Professional cloud-shape critic
Certified overthinker (with honors in midnight contemplation)
Advanced practitioner of the ancient art of Dad Jokes

Hobbies & Interests

Collecting vintage disappointments
Organizing my books by how judgmental they look on my shelf
Training my houseplants in passive-aggressive behavior
Competitive tea-steeping
Writing strongly-worded letters to my future self
Professional napping (amateur level)

Publications & Other Wastes of Time

“Why Your Favorite Band Isn’t As Good As You Think” – Unpublished, because the truth hurts
“101 Ways to Avoid Writing Your Biography” – Still in progress, ironically
“The Philosophy of Sighing: A Deep Breath Into Shallow Thoughts”
“To Bean or Not to Bean: A Coffee Drinker’s Manifesto”

Awards & Recognition

First place in the Introvert Olympics (I didn’t show up to receive the medal)
“Most Likely to Tell Kids About Walking to School Uphill Both Ways” – Class of [REDACTED]
Guinness World Record for “Most Consecutive Hours Spent Wondering Why That Person From High School Said That Thing That One Time”
Distinguished Achievement in Sandwich Architecture
Honorary mention in “People Who Should Probably Write Less About Themselves”

Fun Facts (That Are Neither Fun Nor Facts)

My spirit animal is a grumpy cat who’s seen too much
I once went an entire day without making a pun (it was the worst day of my life)
I don’t believe in Mondays (they don’t believe in me either)
My coffee cup has achieved common law marriage status due to our long-term relationship
I’ve been told I have a face for blogging

Current Projects

Developing a comprehensive theory of why nobody makes good music anymore
Teaching my spam folder to feel shame
Writing a strongly-worded letter to the concept of time itself
Perfecting my “get off my lawn” stance for maximum efficiency
Cultivating an impressive collection of digital cobwebs

Personal Philosophy

Life is like a box of chocolates: disappointing once you’ve eaten all the good ones, and the guide is always wrong.

Future Plans

Continue existing (pending quarterly review)
Perfect the art of professional eye-rolling
Finally organize that drawer full of mysterious cables
Learn to play the kazoo (badly) out of spite
Write an even more evasive about me page

A Note About This Biography

If you’ve read this far, you’ve already spent too much time here. Go do something productive, like organizing your sock drawer by emotional resonance or teaching your houseplants to feel disappointment.

This biography was written under protest and may contain traces of sarcasm, puns, and thinly-veiled attempts to avoid actual self-disclosure. No warranties expressed or implied. Your mileage may vary. Void where prohibited by common sense.

In Conclusion

As Socrates probably never said, “The unexamined life is not worth living, but the over-examined life needs to get a hobby.” Now, if you’ll excuse me, my coffee is giving me a judgmental look, and I need to go deal with that.

Last updated: When the mood struck, which was probably a mistake